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M C L E A N S C O T L
A N D
J O K E S
T O R E M E M B E R
some wee Scottish humour (jokes to
you) to keep you amused ...
Two
English businessmen in London were sitting down
for a break in their soon-to-be new store. As yet,
the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set
up and no stock. One said to the other, 'I bet
any minute now some idiot tourist is going to walk
by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're
selling.'
No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure
enough, a curious Scotsman walked over to the
window, had a peek, and in a thick Scotish accent
asked, 'What might ye be sellin' here ?'
One of the men replied sarcastically, 'We're selling
arseholes.'
Without skipping a beat, the Scotsman said, 'You are
doing very well ... Only two left!'
Englishmen should know better than to mess with the
Scots. ....................
Tony Blair, the British
Prime Minister, is being shown around a
Glasgow hospital. Towards the end of the visit, he
is shown into a ward with a number people with no
obvious signs of injury or disease. He goes to greet
the first patient and he replies:
"Fair fa' your honest sonsie face, Great chieftain
e' the puddin' race! Aboon them a' ye tak your
place, Painch, tripe, or thairm; Weel are ye wordy
o' a grace as lang's my arm."
Tony, being somewhat confused (very easily done)
goes to the next patient and greets him. He
replies:
"Some hae meat, and canna eat, and some wad eat that
want it, but we hae meat and can eat, and sae the
Lord be thankit."
The third starts rattling off as follows: "Wee
sleekit, cow'rin, tim'rous beastie, O, what a
panic's in thy breastie! Thou need na start awa sae
hasty, wi bickering brattle! I wad be laith to rin
an chase thee, wi murdering pattle!"
Tony turns to the doctor accompanying him and asks
what sort of ward is this. A mental ward? "No,"
replies the doctor, "It's the Burns unit."
.......................... A
Scotsman went into a barber's shop and asked the
cost of a haircut. "Six pounds," replied the
hairdresser. "What about a shave?" asked the Scot.
"Three pounds fifty pence," answered the
hairdresser. The Scot retorted, "Shave
my head."
..........................
It was cold on the upper deck and. the captain
was concerned for the comfort of his passengers.
He called down: ‘Is there a mackintosh down there
big enough to keep two young lassies warm?’
‘No, skipper,’ came the reply, ‘but there’s a
Maclean willing to try.’
.......................
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here's one
for the wee man Colin:
The Scottish coach driver was giving a tour
of Scotland to a group of tourists. The tour went
through the countryside and the driver would point
out sights of interest. He drove by this one area
and said, "Over there is where the Scottish
PULVERIZED the English." They drove on a
little further and the driver pointed to another
area along the roadway and said, "This is the place
where the Scottish MASSACRED the English. Not much
further down the road the driver told his passengers
that on the right was the great battlefield where
the Scottish WHIPPED the English. About that
time a man on the bus, with a stiff English accent,
said, "My good man, didn't the English win any
battles around here"?
The bus driver responds, "Not while I'm driving
the bus".
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..................
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An Englishman decided to write
a book about famous churches around the world.
For his first chapter he decided to write about
British churches so he bought a train ticket and
took a trip to London, thinking that he would
work his way up the country from South to North.
On his first day he was inside a church, taking
photographs, when he noticed a golden telephone
mounted on the wall with a sign that read, "£
20,000 per call!" The Englishman, being
intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by
what the telephone was used for. The priest
replied that it was a direct line to heaven and
for £20,000 you could talk to God. The
Englishman thanked the priest and went on his
way. His next stop was in Northampton.
There, at a very large church, he
saw the same golden telephone with the same sign
under it. He wondered if this was the same kind
of telephone he had seen in London so he asked a
nearby nun what its purpose was. She told him
that it was a direct line to heaven and that for
£20,000 he could talk to God. "Thank you," said
the Englishman. He then travelled to
Coventry, Birmingham, Liverpool, Manchester,
Blackpool, Lancaster and Carlisle. In every
church he saw the same golden telephone with the
same "£20,000 per call" sign under it. The
Englishman, upon realising how close he was to
the Scottish border, decided to see if the Scots
had the same phone. He crossed the border and
came to a small town called Gretna, and again,
there was the same golden telephone, but this
time the sign under it read, "20 pence per
call". The Englishman was surprised so he
asked the priest about the sign. "Father, I have
travelled all over England and I have seen this
same golden telephone in many churches. I'm
told it is a direct line to heaven, but in every
one the price was £20,000 per call. Why is it
so cheap here?" The priest smiled and answered,
"Well laddie, you're in Scotland now, it's a
local call." |
..................
Hamish was taking his girlfriend for a drive
on his motorbike. As they passed a hot dog stand she
sighed, " My, those hot dogs smell really nice."
" Hold on a moment, " said Hamish with great
gallantry. " I'll drive a little closer so you can
get a better smell."
..................
Judge - " You are charged with throwing your
mother-in-law out of the window."
Maclean - " It
was my Celtic temper. I did it without thinking,
sir."
Judge - " Yes, I understand, but don't you
see how dangerous it might have been for anyone
passing on the street below."
.....................
"These rock formations," explained the
tourist-worn guide, "were piled up here in the
Highlands by the glaciers."
" But where are the glaziers now ? " asked a curious
old lady.
" They've gone
back, madam, to get more rocks, " said the guide.
.....................
The minister was at ease after service Sunday
night.
" Many folks in church ? " asked his wife.
" Aye, good attendance - and a tourist was present,
but I did not see him."
" But how do know ? "
" There was a twenty pound note in collection box."
.....................
A Scots boy came home from
school and told his mother he had been given a part
in the school play. "Wonderful," says the mother,
"What part is it?" The boy says "I play the part of
the Scottish husband!" The mother scowls and says:
"Go back and tell your teacher you want a speaking
part."
.....................
"Where do you come from?" the
Scotsman asked an American.
"From the greatest country in the world," replied
the American.
"Funny," said the Scotsman, "you've got the
strangest Scottish accent I've ever heard."
.....................
A cute Highland girl was
giving a manicure to a man in Dunkeld barber shop.
The man said, " How about a date later ? " She said,
" I'm married."
" So call up your husband and tell him you're going
to visit a girlfriend." She replied, " You tell him
yourself- he's shaving you."
.....................
In the old days the English and
Scottish armies used to fight by gathering their
armies on top of the hills and at day break they
would run down the hillside into the deep gorge
below to fight.
One morning at dawn there was a fog (as thick as pea
soup) and the two generals decided to refrain from
fighting that day. Whilst the two armies were
resting a voice, with a Scottish accent came from
within the dense fog.
"Any one Scotsman can beat any 10 Englishmen".
With this, the english general sent down 10 of his
soldiers. There was a hell of a fight and NO ONE
returned. An hour later, the same voice was heard.
"Any one Scotsman can beat any 50 Englishman".
With this the English general sent down 50 of his
soldiers. The same thing, a terrible fight ensured
and again NO ONE returned. An hour later the same
voice.
"Any one Scotsman can beat any 100 Englishman".
Same same, down went 100 of the best. NO ONE
returned. An hour later.
"Any one Scotsman can beat any 1,000 Englishman".
By this time, the English general had enough and was
about to send down his elite soldiers, when he saw a
lone Englishman crawling up the hill. He was
battered to a pulp. As he reached his general he
said, "Don't send any more troops down, its a trap,
THERE'S TWO OF THEM".
.....................
There was an Scotsman, an
Englishman and Claudia Schiffer sitting together
in a carriage in a train going through Tasmania.
Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and as it
was an old style train,there were no lights in the
carriages and it went completely dark. Then there
was this kissing noise and the sound of a really
loud slap. When the train came out of the tunnel,
Claudia Schiffer and the Scotsman were sitting as if
nothing had happened and the Englishman had his hand
against his face as he had been slapped.
The Englishman was thinking: 'The Scottish fella
must have kissed Claudia Schiffer and she missed him
and slapped me instead.'
Claudia Schiffer was thinking: 'The English fella
must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the
Scotsman and got slapped for it.'
And the Scotsman was thinking: 'This is great. The
next time the train goes through a tunnel I'll make
that kissing noise and slap that English fella again
.
.....................
Wee Mac came into the office
an hour late for the third time in one week and
found the boss waiting for him. " What's the story
this time. Mac ? " he asked sarcastically. " Let's
hear a good excuse for a change.
" Wee Mac sighed, " Everything went wrong this
morning. The wife decided to drive me to the
harbour. She got ready in ten minutes, but then the
ferry didn't turn up.
Rather than let you down, I swam across the river,
ran over the mountain, borrowed a bicycle and cycled
the 20 miles through the glen to this office. "
You'll have to do better than that. Mac, " said his
boss, disappointed. " No woman can be ready in ten
minutes."
.....................
A Scotsman and an Englishman
lived next door to each other. The Scotsman owned a
hen and each morning he would look in his garden and
pick up one of his hen's eggs for breakfast.
One day he looked into his garden and saw that the
hen had laid an egg in the Englishman's garden. He
was about to go next door when he saw the Englishman
pick up the egg.
The Scotsman ran up to the Englishman and told him
that the egg belonged to him because he owned the
hen. The Englishman disagreed because the egg was
laid on his property. They argued for a while until
finally the Scotsman said, "In my family we normally
solve disputes by the following actions: I kick you
in the testicles and time how long it takes for you
to get back up. Then you kick me in the testicles
and time how long it takes for me to get up. Whoever
gets up quicker wins the egg."
The Englishman agreed to this and so the Scotsman
put on the heaviest pair of boots he could find. He
took a few steps back, then ran towards the
Englishman and kicked him as hard as he could in the
testicles. The Englishman fell to the floor
clutching his groin, howling in agony for 30
minutes.
Eventually the Englishman stood up and said, "Now
it's my turn to kick you."
The Scotsman smiled and said,
"Ye can keep the damn egg!!"
.....................
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