"Where do you come from?" the Scotsman asked an American.

"From the greatest country in the world," replied the American.

"Funny," said the Scotsman, "you've got the strangest Scottish accent I've ever heard."

An Englishman decided to write a book about famous churches around the world.  For his first chapter he decided to write about British churches so he bought a train ticket and took a trip to London, thinking that he would work his way up the country from South to North.  On his first day he was inside a church, taking photographs, when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read,

"£ 20,000 per call!"  The Englishman, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for.  The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and for £20,000 you could talk to God.  The Englishman thanked the priest and went on his way.  His next stop was in Northampton.

There, at a very large church, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it. He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he had seen in London so he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was.  She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for £20,000 he could talk to God. "Thank you," said the Englishman.  He then travelled to Coventry, Birmingham, Liverpool, Manchester, Blackpool, Lancaster and Carlisle. In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same "£20,000 per call" sign under it.  The Englishman, upon realising how close he was to the Scottish border, decided to see if the Scots had the same phone. He crossed the border and came to a small town called Gretna, and again, there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read, "20 pence per call".  The Englishman was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign. "Father, I have travelled all over England and I have seen this same golden telephone in many churches.  I'm told it is a direct line to heaven, but in every one the price was £20,000 per call.  Why is it so cheap here?" The priest smiled and answered, "Well laddie, you're in Scotland now, it's a local call."

There was an Scotsman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer sitting together in a carriage in a train going through Tasmania. Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and as it was an old style train,there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark. Then there was this kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap. When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Scotsman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Englishman had his hand against his face as he had been slapped.

The Englishman was thinking: 'The Scottish fella must have kissed Claudia Schiffer and she missed him and slapped me instead.'

Claudia Schiffer was thinking: 'The English fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Scotsman and got slapped for it.'

And the Scotsman was thinking: 'This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel I'll make that kissing noise and slap that English fella again.

Wee Mac came into the office an hour late for the third time in one week and found the boss waiting for him. " What's the story this time. Mac ? " he asked sarcastically. " Let's hear a good excuse for a change.

" Wee Mac sighed, " Everything went wrong this morning. The wife decided to drive me to the harbour. She got ready in ten minutes, but then the ferry didn't turn up.

Rather than let you down, I swam across the river, ran over the mountain, borrowed a bicycle and cycled the 20 miles through the glen to this office. "

You'll have to do better than that. Mac, " said his boss, disappointed. " No woman can be ready in ten minutes."

A cute Highland girl was giving a manicure to a man in Dunkeld barber shop. The man said, " How about a date later ? " She said, " I'm married."

" So call up your husband and tell him you're going to visit a girlfriend." She replied, " You tell him yourself- he's shaving you."

Two English businessmen in London were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up and no stock.  One said to the other, 'I bet any minute now some idiot tourist is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling.'

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious Scotsman walked over to the window, had a peek, and in a thick Scotish accent asked, 'What might ye be sellin' here ?'

One of the men replied sarcastically, 'We're selling arseholes.'

Without skipping a beat, the Scotsman said, 'You are doing very well ... Only two left!'  Englishmen should know better than to mess with the Scots.

Tony Blair, the British Prime Minister, is being shown around a Glasgow hospital. Towards the end of the visit, he is shown into a ward with a number people with no obvious signs of injury or disease. He goes to greet the first patient and he replies:

"Fair fa' your honest sonsie face, Great chieftain e' the puddin' race! Aboon them a' ye tak your place, Painch, tripe, or thairm; Weel are ye wordy o' a grace as lang's my arm."

Tony, being somewhat confused (very easily done) goes to the next patient and greets him. He replies:
"Some hae meat, and canna eat, and some wad eat that want it, but we hae meat and can eat, and sae the Lord be thankit."

The third starts rattling off as follows: "Wee sleekit, cow'rin, tim'rous beastie, O, what a panic's in thy breastie! Thou need na start awa sae hasty, wi bickering brattle! I wad be laith to rin an chase thee, wi murdering pattle!"

Tony turns to the doctor accompanying him and asks what sort of ward is this. A mental ward? "No," replies the doctor, "It's the Burns unit."

A Scotsman went into a barber's shop and asked the cost of a haircut. "Six pounds," replied the hairdresser. "What about a shave?" asked the Scot. "Three pounds fifty pence," answered the hairdresser.   The Scot retorted, "Shave my head."

It was cold on the upper deck and. the captain was concerned for the comfort of his passengers.
He called down: ‘Is there a mackintosh down there big enough to keep two young lassies warm?’
‘No, skipper,’ came the reply, ‘but there’s a Maclean willing to try.’

Hamish was taking his girlfriend for a drive on his motorbike. As they passed a hot dog stand she sighed, " My, those hot dogs smell really nice."  " Hold on a moment, " said Hamish with great gallantry. " I'll drive a little closer so you can get a better smell."

Judge - " You are charged with throwing your mother-in-law out of the window."
Maclean - " It was my Celtic temper. I did it without thinking, sir."
Judge - " Yes, I understand, but don't you see how dangerous it might have been for anyone passing on the street below."

The minister was at ease after service Sunday night.
" Many folks in church ? " asked his wife.
" Aye, good attendance - and a tourist was present, but I did not see him."
" But how do know ? "
" There was a twenty pound note in collection box."

A Scots boy came home from school and told his mother he had been given a part in the school play. "Wonderful," says the mother, "What part is it?" The boy says "I play the part of the Scottish husband!" The mother scowls and says: "Go back and tell your teacher you want a speaking part."

In the old days the English and Scottish armies used to fight by gathering their armies on top of the hills and at day break they would run down the hillside into the deep gorge below to fight. One morning at dawn there was a fog (as thick as pea soup) and the two generals decided to refrain from fighting that day. Whilst the two armies were resting a voice, with a Scottish accent came from within the dense fog.

"Any one Scotsman can beat any 10 Englishmen".

With this, the english general sent down 10 of his soldiers. There was a hell of a fight and NO ONE returned. An hour later, the same voice was heard.

"Any one Scotsman can beat any 50 Englishman".

With this the English general sent down 50 of his soldiers. The same thing, a terrible fight ensured and again NO ONE returned. An hour later the same voice.

"Any one Scotsman can beat any 100 Englishman".

Same same, down went 100 of the best. NO ONE returned. An hour later.

"Any one Scotsman can beat any 1,000 Englishman".

By this time, the English general had enough and was about to send down his elite soldiers, when he saw a lone Englishman crawling up the hill. He was battered to a pulp. As he reached his general he said, "Don't send any more troops down, its a trap, THERE'S TWO OF THEM".

A Scotsman and an Englishman lived next door to each other. The Scotsman owned a hen and each morning he would look in his garden and pick up one of his hen's eggs for breakfast. One day he looked into his garden and saw that the hen had laid an egg in the Englishman's garden. He was about to go next door when he saw the Englishman pick up the egg. The Scotsman ran up to the Englishman and told him that the egg belonged to him because he owned the hen. The Englishman disagreed because the egg was laid on his property. They argued for a while until finally the Scotsman said, "In my family we normally solve disputes by the following actions: I kick you in the testicles and time how long it takes for you to get back up. Then you kick me in the testicles and time how long it takes for me to get up. Whoever gets up quicker wins the egg."  The Englishman agreed to this and so the Scotsman put on the heaviest pair of boots he could find. He took a few steps back, then ran towards the Englishman and kicked him as hard as he could in the testicles. The Englishman fell to the floor clutching his groin, howling in agony for 30 minutes.
Eventually the Englishman stood up and said, "Now it's my turn to kick you."
The Scotsman smiled and said,  "Ye can keep the damn egg!!"